Had a dream about p last night, he asked me to go to a wedding with him, it was really cool and I was smiling. I felt sad when I woke up because he won’t ask me for anything anymore. But I guess that’s fine. I can still be sad, though.
B asked me to hang tomorrow and play pool. I feel good because he asked me and I didn’t have to ask him, which is stupid. It just made me feel like I’m his friend and I’m needed/wanted, too. I think that’s important to know every once in a while, like– would this person disappear if I didn’t bug them to hang out every week? I’m tired of people disappearing from my life, even though I’m guilty of doing the same.
Last time we hung out, like most times we hang out, things got a little weird, though. He started talking about a girl he likes and the difference between sleeping with someone and genuinely liking someone, and I got all quiet and uncomfortable… I felt like he wanted me to know these things, I was reading pretty hard into something that probably doesn’t exist. And then I felt bad about thinking like that. And on the way home I was drunk and kept thinking about how my ideal relationship is with someone that’s your best friend and also can’t wait to fuck. In a way, b could’ve been that for me. I felt sad that it’s not how things turned out between us, but also relieved because sex (good or bad) can complicate everything. What I have with him right now is pretty great and exactly what I need: a male not associated with my boyfriend that cares about me and offers a distraction to the monotony of day to day life. Sex? Meh.