I feel insecure about my boyfriend going to play music at this girl’s house tonight. She likes him. I think a part of him likes her, too. They will be alone and all the songs they play are sad, slow, romantic, and deeply personal. She is very talented in a way that I will never be. They both share a passion for playing music that I will never have. Part of me thinks that they would make a better couple than me and him, that she would make him happier than I ever will. Did I mention that she’s beautiful? Because she is very beautiful. I’m feeling very insecure.
I think that it must be similar for him when I hang out with b all night. I did that yesterday, even. And yeah I think he likes me and a part of me likes him, too, and we share a certain cynicism and interest in snobby films that I don’t have with my boyfriend. It’s very similar. But I guess he trusts me and doesn’t feel the need to get all accusatory about it, so I should do that for him. I just wish we shared more aspects of our lives, besides eating, sleeping, fucking.. “the basics”
I guess it also is linked to the fact that my self esteem has been at a low recently. I feel like I’m stupid and ugly and mean and a failure. I hope cars hit me when I cross the street. I cry on trains. I have a blog because I can’t express my constant anxiety to a living person without feeling even more like an idiot. I’m convinced I can’t do anything right, so I don’t even try. I have a fucking blog.