the knife

Serious entry 001, as in: the first, the primogenitor, the mother of all.  It’s difficult for me to start things like this, because they inevitably end up dissolving and devolving into nothingness.  I forget my password.  I get too busy at work and at home to think about writing down what’s going on.  Everything suddenly is easy.  …. The second scenario is the most likely, but maybe things will get easier soon.  Are they so difficult now?  Yes and no, always yes and no.

Here’s something that I haven’t been able to talk about to anyone– I have outstanding gas and internet bills from my last apartment that I don’t know if I will ever be able to pay, so I am ignoring them.  I don’t even know how much I owe; I have so much anxiety about them that I can’t even acknowledge their existence in my life.  My mom always told me it was important to pay your bills.  Why?  Isn’t it more important to eat?  I would even argue that it is more important to have fun and live a life not suffocated by debt.  Although I do feel suffocated…  I feel Verizon’s cold, bony fingers resting on my shoulder, letting me know that they are there and waiting just behind me.  I am envisioning the grim reaper. My time is drawing near.  I should probably just call them and make a payment.

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