I’d be riding horses if they let me.

Things are pretty weird right now. I’ve got a lot going on, which is not mitigated by the fact that my mom has breast cancer and is having surgery tomorrow. Wow, I’m scared… And I’m acting out in crazy ways. I’m usually such a stickler for using protection with sex but I did some risky stuff this week that I’m not proud of. I’ve been intimate with three people and am not sure how I feel about any of them. Like, maybe they are all mistakes. I’m so confused, and I’m having this weird, slutty existential crisis that is making things even more complicated. I should get tested soon, I guess.

Things are pretty weird right now. I’ve got a lot going on, which is not mitigated by the fact that my mom has breast cancer and is having surgery tomorrow. Wow, I’m scared… And I’m acting out in crazy ways. I’m usually such a stickler for using protection with sex but I did some risky stuff this week that I’m not proud of. I’ve been intimate with three people and am not sure how I feel about any of them. Like, maybe they are all mistakes. I’m so confused, and I’m having this weird, slutty existential crisis that is making things even more complicated. I should get tested soon, I guess.

Thank you, alcohol.

I drank a bottle of wine and told him how I feel, and now I’m both instantaneously regretful and liberated. I feel like I can finally mourn the loss of our relationship and not keep clinging to a false hope that inevitably just makes me feel weak. Sometimes people need a kick in the ass to change what they don’t like about their life, and sometimes a bottle of 2011 merlot can be that catalyst. I hope that tomorrow I can still see things in this (albeit hazy) light.

What the heart wants

Maybe I can make the meaningless sex thing work with my ex. I booty called him yesterday? It was kind of awesome and gave me a little bit of a different perspective on my situation. Like, sure it sucks that the dating thing didn’t work but I still have this really hot dude that I can bang pretty much whenever I want, and I can put as much or as little time into meeting new people as well. That doesn’t sound so bad. I can “focus on my career” for the first time maybe ever. And e is coming to visit me in September which is going to be weird and fun! Maybe I can have a long distance lover. So exciting…

When I’m with you, I don’t want to be with you

Ex has me really confused right now. He tells me we are friends but then he holds my hand and kisses me. He says he’s lonely but apparently he is seeing the girl that lives above him. I don’t understand what he wants from me. I can’t just be there for him to use as a security blanket whenever dating is hard and he wants to fuck. I can try to be his friend or I can try to make things work with us in a different way than they were before, but I can’t be a fuck buddy to someone that makes me feel so deeply. I guess that’s why an ultimatum was put out last night. It’s getting too hard for me to define what role I play in his life, and I can’t be his everything if he can’t be anything to me.

Dresser drawers.

The fan is off but the blades keep spinning.

There’s more to this.

There’s a heart cut from my hand, that’s what I get for reaching out to you.

It’s not from slamming a door or punching a wall, I’m just sitting around waiting for you to call.

And tell me everything’s alright, that you’ll see me tonight, but you won’t.

Nothing cat can stay.

Ohh gods I am really, really sad. I miss him and I feel so unbelievably alone. When will it get easier, why does it have to be like this, how long do I have to feel this fucking pathetic… I can’t. I just want him back.

At least I have cat, but not even cat can stay.

Gallbladder Blues

What am I doing with my lifeeeeeeeeeee??

broke up with my bf, or rather he broke up with me. I am so depressed and confused. We had dinner today, it was not okay. I’m not okay with this.

On another front, I am going to live with b now… A room opened up in his apartment and it’s really great. I got promoted to a full time position at my job so I can actually afford it. I’m really excited and relieved. I’m hesitant about living with b, but he has a girlfriend (p’s other ex, ha) so I don’t think it will get weird. It will be good to be around friends and in a really beautiful part of the city. I’m not afraid anymore!

I have to get my gallbladder removed probably?

I want to date someone who wears chuck tailors and I also want to wear chuck tailors and we can match our shoes. I saw two couples doing this today. I want it, too.